How I build my life around Crohn’s.

There is one workday I remember clearly because, from the outside, I was trying to act like everything was normal. It wasn’t.

I was 24 and running Socko Energy Drink. We were flying to Bentonville for the biggest retail presentation I had ever given. We were meeting with Walmart, and Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Jason Hervey were traveling with us. I had to explain how the program would work, how everything would flow, and who would be responsible for what.

Just before we boarded the private jet, pain nearly brought me to my knees. There was one small bathroom on the plane. The thought of Crohn’s attacking me in front of all those people embarrassed me. I told everybody I had forgotten something and ran back inside. In the bathroom, I started bleeding.

I got back on the plane. Jason could tell something was wrong. I told him what was happening, and he asked what we needed to do. I told him, “Nothing. We’re not going to change one damn thing.”

During the flight I kept thinking about whether I might bleed through my clothes and how I could hide it if I did. What scared me was not only the pain. I was afraid everybody would look at me like I was weak or unable to do the job.

After we landed, there was a large lunch and meet-and-greet before the presentation. People saw me taking photographs, representing the company, and doing what I was there to do. They did not see how much of that day I spent trying to hold myself together.

I was afraid they would think I could not do the job.

Body image has been one of the hardest parts of Crohn’s for me because I have spent so much of my life training. There have been times when I looked in the mirror after being sick and did not recognize the person looking back at me.

During one long hospitalization at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, I was going to the bathroom 24 to 26 times a day, bleeding, and unable to keep fluids down. I also developed a C. difficile infection and the isolation precautions that came with it. At my lowest point, I had lost more than 30 pounds. I regained some before leaving, but I was still about 20 pounds below where I started.

I did not want photographs or visitors. I felt physically weak, and I thought I looked weak. For the first few days of recovery, I avoided the mirror because dwelling on what I had lost made everything harder mentally.

My fiancée at the time stayed with me, did my hair, and made me feel like a million bucks. She made me feel like myself when I did not feel like myself at all.

People see my body now and see strength. They do not see all the versions of that body Crohn’s has taken away and forced me to rebuild.

Since I was young, training has been one way I gave myself something to return to after a flare. That is the story I told myself: build while I can, because I may have to rebuild again. Training did not prevent my flares or treat Crohn’s. It gave me a familiar place to begin again.

The first day home from the hospital, I usually shower and put on clean clothes. Then I set up a place where I can rest, put fluids nearby, and make food I personally know I have tolerated before. For me, that has often included Japanese white sticky rice. That is my routine—not a food recommendation or treatment for somebody else.

The first week is not a comeback. It is rest, sleep, keeping food and fluids down, and letting my body recover. I do not work out. I watch television, do homework if I have school, and add a little more food when I feel able.

I may avoid the mirror for the first few days. I used to dwell on how sick I looked. I learned that staring at everything I had lost only made the mental part worse.

My sleep, mood, and concentration can also be affected by the flare, the hospital stay, pain, and the medications involved in my care. I may be irritable, exhausted, or simply not much fun to be around. Sometimes I need fewer people around me and time before I feel clear again.

Each day, I try to do a little more. Recovery is not the dramatic hospital crisis, and it is not the full comeback. It is the in-between period people rarely see.